The current lock-down may be putting strain on household
and work relationships, particularly where only one person is EHS. See my earlier post:
Everyone is naturally nervous and destabilised in these
unprecedented times and this can manifest as increased strife and tension
within the home. Ways of being in the same space together that may have been
satisfactory in the past can become unbearably strained. People are creatures
of habit, especially in their own homes. Familiar words or actions that may
have only prompted mild conflict in the past, in close confinement can escalate
out of all proportion. The corona virus has obliged us all to find new ways of
living and new ways of being with others.
As a project manager trained in NLP https://www.nlp.com/what-is-nlp/ I
have learnt that failing projects usually suffer fundamentally from conflicts
in relationships. That is perhaps unsurprising given that as projects fail,
trust is destroyed through deceits, lies, betrayals, broken promises and a
whole host of other human failings. Unless this web is untangled, recovery is
unlikely. Initially the situation may seem overly complex but when communications
are considered it can often be effectively addressed.
The Importance of
Good Communications: Unless communications and actions (which we know speak
louder than words) are ‘clean’ and unambiguous, trust and consequently
relationships suffer. Unfortunately, ways of being with others fall into
patterns and sometimes those habits can be destructive. If you want to change
behaviour it is a lot easier if the environment is simultaneously changed.
Confined in one’s home that may not seem easily achievable but unless physical
changes are made, old habits are liable to persist even if not immediately identifiable
as such. To create a changed relationship, only one party has to be
committed to change. Naturally the other party will be upset, destabilised
and wonder what is going on. That’s why good communications are vitally
important. They can be supported by non-verbal action such as a change of
dress, different meals or times of doing things. Actions however do need to be
consistent if they are to reinforce the commitment
to change made by at least one party. There will almost inevitably be push-back
as the other party seeks to maintain the familiar though unsatisfactory status
quo. Of course the other party may be perfectly happy with the way things are
and refuse to negotiate. Absenting themselves from the negotiating table is a
common strategy but displays a lack of respect and a lack of commitment. The
fact that one party has taken the courage by the unprecedented step of ‘putting
it on the line’ is sufficient reason for the other party to attend if they are
not to be seen as petty and vindictive. To negotiate a binding agreement one
needs clear and unambiguous language as well as an acknowledgement that both
parties are in negotiation for personal and mutual benefit. I-Win-You-Lose is a
poor agreement and is destined to fan the flames of on-going disagreement. I-Win-You-Win is much more likely to
endure. People will generally live up to their word if it has been given
willingly and as a result of a negotiated agreement. Sitting down to work through
issues takes uninterrupted time. The act of having to physically walk away may
allow the dialogue to continue long enough to reach a solution or an acceptable
compromise. Unless all aspects of the agreement are clearly understood and
committed to by both parties, the relationship is liable to become even worse
than it was before. Sharing a home or place of work there are a hundred
opportunities each day for misunderstandings to occur. Grievances left
unexpressed tend to fester and reactions manifest in sometimes unpredictable
and unexpected ways.
When I talk about 'clean communications' I mean words and actions that have little or none of the
following:
Justification,
judgmentalism, blame, jealousy, resentment, vindictiveness, unkindness,
covertness, covetousness or meanness.
Explanation is not justification. Stating a position is not
judgmentalism. Who amongst us is blameless? Jealousy will rot the soul.
Resentment is corrosive. Vindictiveness or covertly ‘getting even’ have no
place in adult relationships. Unkindness, if deliberate, is a choice. If it is
unintentional the offended party must have the courage to expose it and give
the perpetrator the chance to apologise or otherwise put it right. Otherwise,
like other ‘insults’, it is liable to become internalised, fester and breed
resentment. Would you risk a relationship, albeit a bad and unsatisfactory one
through lack of courage or desire for something better? That is up to you, but
recognise it is a choice.
People do not typically welcome change and however bad the
status quo might be, at least it is a known. Whatever small or large changes
are made, the mind receives the signal that change is in the wind. Changes can
be small; sleeping on the other side of the bed, not squeezing the toothpaste
in the middle (though I guess we should all have our own tube now), or merely
putting it away after use may be sufficient to signal that change is afoot.
Rearranging the furniture, changing the flowers, getting a new hairstyle,
wearing different clothes, cooking different meals or altering the time of
regular occurrences are all signals that can be registered by the conscious and
subconscious and pre-alert people that their environment is changing and that
they too may need to change. More significant changes need to be coordinated
and follow some plan if they are to be effective at catalyzing adjustments in behaviour.
Any agreement has to be negotiated if it is not to be
interpreted as an imposition and thus resented and unlikely to be upheld.
Habits may reassert their grip on behaviour if individuals themselves are not committed
and don’t trust in the other’s equal commitment and respect. When commitment is
not firm or faltering, people will continue to interpret words and actions in
terms of the old paradigm.
The Golden Rule:
Don’t let the sun set on a disagreement or misunderstanding. If you have to
stay up all night to reach resolution or an acceptable compromise it is time
well spent. That said, sometimes sleeping on an issue may produce unexpected
and better ways forward. In any relationship between two people there will be
three parties; Person A, Person B and the Relationship. If Person A and Person
B are more committed to the relationship than they are even to themselves,
inevitable disagreements and misunderstands can be resolved through good
communication.
Change takes commitment - your commitment. You must still remain
resolute because you may only get one chance to invoke a life-changing shift in
an unsatisfactory relationship. If the cracks in a relationship need lino
rather than wallpaper to cover them up, it’s time to work towards something
better. To drive home the message that the relationship is going through a
shift the existing relationship must be terminated and be replaced by a new and
improved one, one more satisfactory for both parties.
Gradual
shifts are liable to result in back-sliding as old habits re-exert themselves
so something unequivocal is needed. Some sort of ceremony may be helpful in
laying the old relationship to rest and signalling the birth of a new one. Simply
bringing someone a friendly cup of coffee or a box of chocolates may be as much ‘ceremony’ as is necessary. The nature of ‘a ceremony’ in any particular circumstance will vary but
its aim is a clear shared sense of ‘a before’
and ‘an after’- in short, a new beginning.---------
