Relationships Confined At Home

The current lock-down may be putting strain on household and work relationships, particularly where only one person is EHS. See my earlier post:

 https://electricforester.blogspot.com/2016/02/how-can-i-convince-my-husband.html

Everyone is naturally nervous and destabilised in these unprecedented times and this can manifest as increased strife and tension within the home. Ways of being in the same space together that may have been satisfactory in the past can become unbearably strained. People are creatures of habit, especially in their own homes. Familiar words or actions that may have only prompted mild conflict in the past, in close confinement can escalate out of all proportion. The corona virus has obliged us all to find new ways of living and new ways of being with others.

As a project manager trained in NLP https://www.nlp.com/what-is-nlp/ I have learnt that failing projects usually suffer fundamentally from conflicts in relationships. That is perhaps unsurprising given that as projects fail, trust is destroyed through deceits, lies, betrayals, broken promises and a whole host of other human failings. Unless this web is untangled, recovery is unlikely. Initially the situation may seem overly complex but when communications are considered it can often be effectively addressed.

The Importance of Good Communications: Unless communications and actions (which we know speak louder than words) are ‘clean’ and unambiguous, trust and consequently relationships suffer. Unfortunately, ways of being with others fall into patterns and sometimes those habits can be destructive. If you want to change behaviour it is a lot easier if the environment is simultaneously changed. Confined in one’s home that may not seem easily achievable but unless physical changes are made, old habits are liable to persist even if not immediately identifiable as such. To create a changed relationship, only one party has to be committed to change. Naturally the other party will be upset, destabilised and wonder what is going on. That’s why good communications are vitally important. They can be supported by non-verbal action such as a change of dress, different meals or times of doing things. Actions however do need to be consistent if they are  to reinforce the commitment to change made by at least one party. There will almost inevitably be push-back as the other party seeks to maintain the familiar though unsatisfactory status quo. Of course the other party may be perfectly happy with the way things are and refuse to negotiate. Absenting themselves from the negotiating table is a common strategy but displays a lack of respect and a lack of commitment. The fact that one party has taken the courage by the unprecedented step of ‘putting it on the line’ is sufficient reason for the other party to attend if they are not to be seen as petty and vindictive. To negotiate a binding agreement one needs clear and unambiguous language as well as an acknowledgement that both parties are in negotiation for personal and mutual benefit. I-Win-You-Lose is a poor agreement and is destined to fan the flames of on-going disagreement. I-Win-You-Win is much more likely to endure. People will generally live up to their word if it has been given willingly and as a result of a negotiated agreement. Sitting down to work through issues takes uninterrupted time. The act of having to physically walk away may allow the dialogue to continue long enough to reach a solution or an acceptable compromise. Unless all aspects of the agreement are clearly understood and committed to by both parties, the relationship is liable to become even worse than it was before. Sharing a home or place of work there are a hundred opportunities each day for misunderstandings to occur. Grievances left unexpressed tend to fester and reactions manifest in sometimes unpredictable and unexpected ways.

When I talk about 'clean communications' I mean words and actions that have little or none of the following:

Justification, judgmentalism, blame, jealousy, resentment, vindictiveness, unkindness, covertness, covetousness or meanness.

Explanation is not justification. Stating a position is not judgmentalism. Who amongst us is blameless? Jealousy will rot the soul. Resentment is corrosive. Vindictiveness or covertly ‘getting even’ have no place in adult relationships. Unkindness, if deliberate, is a choice. If it is unintentional the offended party must have the courage to expose it and give the perpetrator the chance to apologise or otherwise put it right. Otherwise, like other ‘insults’, it is liable to become internalised, fester and breed resentment. Would you risk a relationship, albeit a bad and unsatisfactory one through lack of courage or desire for something better? That is up to you, but recognise it is a choice.

People do not typically welcome change and however bad the status quo might be, at least it is a known. Whatever small or large changes are made, the mind receives the signal that change is in the wind. Changes can be small; sleeping on the other side of the bed, not squeezing the toothpaste in the middle (though I guess we should all have our own tube now), or merely putting it away after use may be sufficient to signal that change is afoot. Rearranging the furniture, changing the flowers, getting a new hairstyle, wearing different clothes, cooking different meals or altering the time of regular occurrences are all signals that can be registered by the conscious and subconscious and pre-alert people that their environment is changing and that they too may need to change. More significant changes need to be coordinated and follow some plan if they are to be effective at catalyzing adjustments in behaviour.

Any agreement has to be negotiated if it is not to be interpreted as an imposition and thus resented and unlikely to be upheld. Habits may reassert their grip on behaviour if individuals themselves are not committed and don’t trust in the other’s equal commitment and respect. When commitment is not firm or faltering, people will continue to interpret words and actions in terms of the old paradigm.

The Golden Rule: Don’t let the sun set on a disagreement or misunderstanding. If you have to stay up all night to reach resolution or an acceptable compromise it is time well spent. That said, sometimes sleeping on an issue may produce unexpected and better ways forward. In any relationship between two people there will be three parties; Person A, Person B and the Relationship. If Person A and Person B are more committed to the relationship than they are even to themselves, inevitable disagreements and misunderstands can be resolved through good communication.

Change takes commitment - your commitment. You must still remain resolute because you may only get one chance to invoke a life-changing shift in an unsatisfactory relationship. If the cracks in a relationship need lino rather than wallpaper to cover them up, it’s time to work towards something better. To drive home the message that the relationship is going through a shift the existing relationship must be terminated and be replaced by a new and improved one, one more satisfactory for both parties.

Gradual shifts are liable to result in back-sliding as old habits re-exert themselves so something unequivocal is needed. Some sort of ceremony may be helpful in laying the old relationship to rest and signalling the birth of a new one. Simply bringing someone a friendly cup of coffee or a box of chocolates may be as much ‘ceremony’ as is necessary. The nature of ‘a ceremony’  in any particular circumstance will vary but its aim is a clear shared sense of ‘a before’ and ‘an after’- in short, a new beginning.
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